Oh Holy Muggle Night
by kci47
Summary: Someone loses their pants, someone tries beer for the first time, and more than one person falls victim to well-placed mistletoe. More hilarity ensues when Hermione hosts the first Muggle Night party. Fluffy humor fic written for Dark'n'Devilish for the HPFC Christmas Fic Exchange. EWE, AUish.


**Set first Christmas after the war, EWE, AU in that Fred lives. Huzzah!**

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"Tell me again why we're doing this?" Ron grumbled as he helped Harry Levitate a large disco ball up to the ceiling and set it spinning.

"Because, Ronald, now that the war is over it's important for witches and wizards to become more accepting of Muggles and Muggle culture. The best way to become more accepting is to become more familiar. Hence, we are hosting the first of hopefully many Muggle Nights," Hermione explained for the hundredth time. Ron merely rolled his eyes and thanked Godric he and Hermione had seen the light and broken things off weeks ago. He and Hermione were better off as friends. He waved to the twins when they entered The Hog's Head, the location of the Muggle Night party.

"Hello gorgeous," Fred greeted Hermione, making her blush.

Not to be outdone, George murmured, "Good evening, my queen," as he bowed and brushed a kiss on Hermione's hand. She waved them off but she was smiling.

"What are you two so bloody happy about?" Ron asked as Hermione shoved a stack of colorful boxes into his arms and pointed him to a table.

"We're more than happy—"

"—to oblige a pretty lady—"

"—when she requests our presence—"

"—and our merchandise!"

The twins pulled shrunken boxes out of their pockets and set about restoring them to regular size. Inside were all manner of Muggle games, snacks, and decorations that Fred and George usually kept stocked at Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. They unpacked and started dashing around the bar to help Hermione set up.

"Hey, they brought marshmallows," Harry said excitedly as he examined the treats.

Ron pointed to another plate and asked, "What's that weird-looking one?"

"Mm, cheesecake," Harry mumbled around a mouthful of marshmallow. Just then, a group of former Hogwarts students entered, including Neville, Luna, the Patil twins, a handful of Hufflepuffs, Katie Bell, and Cho Chang. Harry hastily tried to swallow but ended up coughing. Ron patiently thumped him on the back while Harry waved feebly at a giggling Cho. Ron's interest was diverted, however, when a scantily-clad Lavender stepped around the group, dragging an embarrassed-looking Parvati behind her.

"I thought there was going to be dancing," Lavender announced, looking around the bar disparagingly.

"There will be, after we've all had a chance to, um, loosen up," Hermione said. She was eyeing Lavender's clubbing outfit with her nose crinkled disapprovingly. "See? We have a disco ball and everything."

Everyone looked up, so they didn't see Draco and Ginny enter right away. There was no mistaking Draco's condescending drawl when he spoke, though. "Alright, Granger, let's get on with it so we can all go home."

Ron turned to look at the newcomers and promptly burst out laughing. "Oy, Malfoy, I didn't see where the invitation said to dress like a _girl_," he taunted.

Draco glanced down at his sequined black pants and then back up again. "A _friend _told me that these were normal Muggle party clothes," he said menacingly.

"Mate, whoever gave you that advice is _not _your friend!" Fred laughed.

Draco's silver eyes arrowed straight over to Harry. "_Potter_, I swear to Salazar Slytherin I will—"

Harry bolted in the direction of the kitchen and Draco sped after him with murder in his eyes. Ron was still chuckling when he turned to look at Ginny. "Why didn't _you _tell him not to wear those?"

Ginny shrugged unrepentantly. "I owed him one. Last week he charmed all my knickers to—"

"Stop!" Three Weasley brothers clapped hands over their ears and glared at Ginny, who just grinned. They didn't want to hear about her private life, especially since she was dating Draco bloody Malfoy.

"At least he's not wearing Spectrespecs," Ron whispered to the twins, and they all glanced at Luna.

"Yes, well—" Hermione was busily setting out more food nearby and she stopped to look at Luna too. "Actually, she's not that far off for Muggle dress," Hermione admitted. "She'd fit right in if we were out in one of the artsy neighborhoods."

Wondering what the world was coming to, Ron drifted off towards Lavender and her audience. George scooped up a handful of rubber ducks and started lobbing them at the Hufflepuffs. Fred sidled over to Hermione and bent down to murmur "Need any help?" into her ear.

Hermione jumped, whacking her head on Fred's chin in the process. Merlin, when had he moved so close? And since when did the twins learn to move without making any noise? Spinning around, she stammered, "I-I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to—here, let me—" She rubbed a small hand over his jaw and leaned forward to examine it. "I don't think it'll bruise."

"Will you kiss it to make sure?" Fred waggled his eyebrows at her and grinned when Hermione blushed. His interest was piqued—he had been certain she would chastise him—and he wanted to see if he could make her blush more, but the door opened again and the rest of the partygoers arrived. Hermione bustled off to welcome them.

"Good evenin', ladies! I've got mistletoe! Who's gonna give me a kiss, then?" Seamus stood inside the entry with his arms akimbo and his hips jutted forward proudly. A sprig of mistletoe was fastened to his belt. There were cheers and laughter and some rude comments as a handful of girls approached Seamus, their eyes all twinkling. Fred made a mental note to stock belt-mistletoe as a novelty item in their shop next year.

"May I have your attention, please?" Hermione's magnified voice rang out and the excited babble died down. "I believe everyone's here, so I'd like to welcome all of you to the first Hogwarts Alumni Muggle Night!"

Fred and George clapped, and the others hastily joined in.

"Yes, thank you. Just a few things and then we can get this party started—we have the bar until midnight, so help yourselves to the buffet and drinks. There are board games in the back, an area for sledding just outside the door on the left, and a dance floor up here under the disco ball. I just want to say thank you for coming, and let's have a good time! Oh, and make sure you get your picture taken before you leave!" She pointed at a strange blue-colored sheet hanging against the wall near the door with a funny-looking camera set up just in front of it.

This time people were quicker to applaud, and Hermione smiled as she charmed the wireless to play some drum-heavy dance music. Fred hurried over and held out a hand to assist her down from the dais. He was rewarded when she blushed again and tentatively took his hand.

"Dance with me!" he shouted over the blaring music.

"Maybe later—I need to make sure Harry and Draco didn't kill each other!" she called back.

Fred nodded and went in the direction of the board games. Hermione made her way into the kitchens and looked around for her best friend and his nemesis. She had thought they were getting along better now, but they were forever trying to one-up each other with these ridiculous sorts of pranks. She heard a scuffling sound from the walk-in refrigerator so she headed that way, pulling out her wand in case she had to break up a fight.

When she looked in, though, she realized the boys were certainly _not _fighting. "Oh, my god!" she cried, clapping her hands over her eyes, her wand falling forgotten to the floor. Harry and Draco were both trouserless, and Draco was actually naked from the waist down. "I'm so sorry—I didn't mean—"

"It's alright, Hermione, we're just switching pants," Harry explained.

"What?" She kept her hands clasped firmly to her face.

"Like what you saw, Granger?" Draco purred, his arrogance as annoying as ever.

Hermione resisted the urge to roll her eyes. They couldn't see her eyes, anyway. "Actually, I didn't really get a good look the first time," she said slowly. Removing her hands, Hermione raised an eyebrow as she looked in the direction of Draco's "snake".

"Oy! It wasn't an invitation!" Draco exclaimed, quickly covering himself with Harry's jeans.

"My mistake," Hermione said unrepentantly. Harry chuckled and Hermione looked back at him. "Why are you switching trousers, exactly? And why isn't Draco wearing underwear?"

"He claims not wearing underpants is a Wizard thing. I still think it's weird." Harry merely stuck his tongue out at Draco when Draco made a rude hand gesture. "And we're switching because _someone _was too embarrassed to go back out there in the sequined pants."

"You ought to be pleased that a Pureblood such as myself is sharing disgusting Muggle garments with a—"

Harry cut Draco off. "You're the disgusting one, not wearing anything under your trousers! I just hope you showered before putting these on." He tugged the sequined pants up and fastened them.

"There's not enough room to wear anything under those, I charmed them to be skintight."

Hermione and Harry froze and stared at Draco in astonishment. Then they burst out laughing. Hermione laughed so hard she had to sit down, and there were tears of mirth running down Harry's face. "Blimey, Malfoy, you really did it up big, didn't you?" he asked.

Draco crossed his arms and looked defensive. "Well, Potter, _someone _assured me that that was exactly how the Muggles did it."

Hermione waved her hands in the air. "Stop, stop, I can't take it!" she panted. "Just...oh, Draco, I'll remember this moment always. Thank you." She wiped her face and pushed herself back to standing. "I'll leave you both to it. Just rejoin the party soon, okay? People are wondering what exactly you're doing back here."

Draco sneered but Harry just smiled and made a shooing motion to Hermione. She headed back to the main party room, a huge grin still attached to her face. Re-entering the bar, she was pleased to note that while Lavender and her cronies were dancing, there were also handfuls of people gathered around the board game tables, and still more having a good time with the Muggle photo booth. She couldn't see Seamus and his mistletoe anywhere, but she decided not to go looking.

Just then, George waved her over to one of the game tables. "Hey, Hermione! Settle a dispute for us, would you?"

"What's the matter?" she asked as she approached. They were playing Monopoly.

"Is this or is this not real Muggle money?" he asked, holding up a few of the bright pink paper bills.

She smiled. "Not. But it is modeled after Muggle money, so it's similar, I suppose."

"I told you so!" George crowed to Katie Bell. "Now pay up!"

Katie forked over one of her yellow bills and made a face at George. Just then, a huge crash caught everyone's attention.

Neville was coughing uncontrollably while Luna serenely stood by. He appeared to have spewed out a mouthful of his drink and in the process knocked over several of the lanterns decorating the bar.

"Neville, are you alright?" Hermione rushed over to thump him on the back.

"What _is _this stuff?" Neville gasped.

"Muggle beer. What did you think it was?" Hermione asked, genuinely confused.

"I don't know. It's awful, though." Neville coughed again and Luna started mopping up the front of his shirt with a napkin. "I think I'll just switch to milk."

Grimacing at the idea of drinking milk after a beer, Hermione wandered over to check on the photo booth. She'd set up a trunk of silly costume pieces—hats, scarves, masks, etc.—and she was pleased to see that her guests were taking full advantage. The photo strips were scattered across a nearby table, and the smiling faces of her classmates shone out from every one. All in all, Hermione thought, her first Muggle Night was going very well.

If you ignored the fact that she'd seen Draco naked.

Still, it could be worse. Thankfully the twins hadn't caused any mischief yet...which was actually something of a concern. Usually they were the first ones to wreak havoc. Scanning the room, Hermione saw that George was still playing Banker at the game table, but where was Fred? Spying a flash of Weasley red, she looked at the dance floor—but no, that was just Ron, plastered against Lavender. Hermione crinkled her nose distastefully. She moved around the edge of the dancing area to get a better look at the crush of people.

It appeared that Draco and Harry had emerged from the kitchens, because Draco and Ginny were dancing up front and Harry was cutting loose by himself, all while throwing glances towards Cho and her friends. Then someone grabbed her hand and towed her onto the dance floor.

"There you are! I was looking for you!" The minute the words were out of her mouth, Hermione wanted to pull them back. She couldn't very well explain to Fred that she was worried he was causing trouble, but judging by the smile on his face he had decided to ascribe a different meaning to her words.

"Well, I missed you too, lovely," he drawled as he spun her around and then tugged her in close against him. Hermione gasped in surprise and felt her cheeks start to flush. Fred winked at her before tucking her head under his chin and dancing them around the floor. After a while he said, "This was a great idea, Hermione. Everyone seems to be having a good time."

At his praise, Hermione felt her heart give a funny little flip. Or maybe that was her stomach. It was hard to tell, but the fact remained—she felt flattered that someone had noticed all the effort she'd put into making tonight a success.

"Thank you," she said softly, smiling shyly up at Fred. "Ron and Harry said it was stupid and that no one would come—"

Fred waved a dismissive hand. "Prats."

Now she grinned fully. She hadn't ever spoken to Fred much during school, not one-on-one anyway. When he returned her smile and rested his hands on her waist, Hermione felt a bit tingly in a very pleasant way.

But no—this was _Fred_! Ron's _brother_! Just because she and Ron hadn't worked out didn't mean she wanted to date another Weasley—did it? She barely knew him, besides. Although...he was far calmer than she remembered, and he _had _been very thoughtful tonight—helping her set up, encouraging people to take silly pictures, trying all the Muggle food. Maybe she would try to keep an open mind.

"Want to duck outside with me for a mo'?" Fred asked suddenly.

Hermione glanced around the room, realizing that most everyone else seemed to be getting along just fine without her help. "Okay," she replied, wondering what Fred was up to. She was _not _dressed for a snow fight.

"Come on." He grabbed her hand and led her through the back and out the door. Neville and Luna were trudging up the hill with their sled in tow, laughing and talking, their cheeks pink from the cold. Hermione took a step towards the other sled, but Fred pulled her the other way, around the side of the building. He came to a stop and Hermione looked around curiously. She didn't see anything out of place, though.

She was turning back to Fred to ask him why he'd brought her out here, but she was surprised to find his lips suddenly on hers. Before she could even process what was happening, he'd pulled back.

"Fred? I—"

"I'd like to date you," he blurted out. Hermione's eyebrows shot up and her mouth fell open. "Listen, if you're not interested, just say so. I know you sort of dated Ron, but everyone makes mistakes sometimes." Hermione thwacked him on the arm but he continued. "I like you, Hermione, and I think we'd be good together. What do you say?"

"I...don't know. This is all so sudden. And you're—you're Fred Weasley, you own a joke shop and you never finished school and—"

Fred just shook his head. "You know what they say. Sometimes the shirt that never fitted might be the best one."

Hermione frowned. "Who says that? I've never heard that saying."

"People." Fred shrugged. "If you say yes, then we can kiss again," he cajoled.

A smile crept over Hermione's face. "Is that so?"

"Absolutely." Fred nodded vigorously. "Although we might have to kiss again, anyway—you're standing under mistletoe."

"I'm what?" Hermione nearly cracked her neck, she looked up so quickly. He was right, too—just above her was a sprig of funny-looking mistletoe. "What's on it?"

"Oh, uh, I wouldn't worry about that—"

Hermione reached for the plant at the same time as Fred, and they battled for the little sprig before Hermione wrested it out of Fred's hands. "Ha! It says...A Product of WWW? Fred, did you put this here specifically for me?" She put her hands on her hips and gave him _the look_.

"Uh...I might have. If you're pleased, then yes, I did. If you're mad, though, then I'm not sure where it came from..."

"Oh, just kiss me already," Hermione gave in. He really _was _adorable, standing there looking so uncertain. At her words, though, his usually cocky grin was back. But then his mouth was on hers and Hermione decided that she was going to host Muggle Nights _much _more often.

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**A/N: This was written for Dark'n'Devilish in the HPFC Christmas Fic Exchange. The prompts/requests I used are below, so I hope I included enough of them for you! Merry Christmas from one writer to another.**

_**Prompts:**_

_**Rubber ducks, Board games, Money, Invitations, Underwear, Cheesecake, Camera, Disco, Black, Sequins, Drums, Buffet, Milk, The Shirt That Never Fitted Might Be The Best One, Lanterns, Marshmallows, Sledding, Sharing, Jeans, Muggle Beer, Spectrespecs**_

_**Requests:**_

_**Freddie/Hermione or Neville/Luna or Draco/Ginny is preferred, please! Humour. LOTS OF IT! LIKE LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF IT!**_

**I'm not JK Rowling, big surprise there.  
**


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